The emotional impact of miscarriage

A few months ago, at a women’s retreat, a young woman shared - in the opening circle of the weekend - that she was pregnant, and the fetus was not going to live.  The doctors offered her the option of aborting by taking medication, or waiting and letting the pregnancy naturally miscarry.  She chose the latter, and shared that she could begin bleeding at any moment. 

I was blown away by her courage; she was the youngest woman in the group by far, and apart from me and one other woman, she didn’t know anyone else in the group. Yet, in the safety of a small circle she chose to share, and invite the women there to witness her in a moment that is so often clouded by shame or embarrassment. 

The most beautiful thing happened.  

Literally every single one of the women present responded saying that she had experienced a miscarriage at some point. It felt like we were all enveloped by huge wings of love, in the sweetness that comes from shared vulnerability. 

Needless to say, experiencing a miscarriage can be very challenging, emotionally, physically and spiritually. And since I have dared to open this taboo topic here I will also say to the women who are reading this who have experienced miscarriage (which is most of us) that you are not alone. Please feel free to reach out if you want, or to share with someone else. 

When you allow others to see your challenges, you allow them to accompany you.

So often, we hide the stories in our wombs, afraid of judgement or embarrassment. 

Every woman carries a story in her womb. When you share yours, you are no longer alone in it. 

In the 25 or so years that I have worked with women, I have heard so many different stories. In a culture that leads you to believe you are defective if you can’t get or stay pregnant or you don’t have a partner or or or…it is all too easy to feel ashamed of the stories you carry in your womb.

In a culture that leads you to believe you are defective if you can’t get or stay pregnant or you don’t have a partner or or or…it is all too easy to feel ashamed of the stories you carry in your womb. This culture insists that productivity is paramount and that birthing children must be "productive." 

If the stories in your womb are asking for your attention, it is probably a good idea to get support to work with them.  It’s a lot to handle on your own. That’s why I am so inspired by the story I shared above.  In the deepest place in herself a woman who knew she was about to miscarry also knew that it would help her to tell the other women what she was living, even though it was painful and vulnerable.  And the support she received was incredibly beautiful.

 May this be an inspiration to you, to anyone who needs to ask for support.  About anything. 

If you feel like you know someone who could just listen to you, without responding, without offering opinions, it can really help to share your story.  If you choose to reach out to a friend, set it up so that the space will be safe for you - private, in a comfortable situation, at your home or hers or outside, in a place where no one will interrupt you.  Make sure you have enough time to really be together, not 20 mins for a quick coffee. Tell your friend (in your own words) ‘I want to share something, and I want to ask you to just listen, not react or offer ideas.  Can you do that for me please?’

 And share what feels good to share.  You might want to start off with a sentence or two and then breathe, to feel if you want to keep going with your story.  

Or to speak it out loud to yourself in the mirror.  Witness yourself, and if that feels ok to you, maybe you will choose to let someone else witness you too.  

You are not broken.  Our culture is broken.

Our culture is broken.  All women - you, me, and every other woman - are living in a world that treats women’s bodies as objects, and when they don’t function as we are told they should, these bodies are considered useless. This can lead us to feel quite vulnerable.  You, like me, are living in a society that sees vulnerability as weakness, and weakness as negative. 

If we can be vulnerable with one another, we can take care of one another.  

That is a gift for all of life.