Someone said something sexually inappropriate and it was impossible to respond… even though you wanted to

Over the years, so many women have shared with me experiences they have had at work, in social situations, even at family gatherings, where someone speaks to them in a sexually inappropriate way, or even simply a sexist way, and they just cannot open their mouths to respond.  Has this ever happened to you? 

Have you ever found your jaw glued shut, unable to form the words to reply to a sexually inappropriate comment even though you know that your boundary has been completely crossed? 

First of all, this has probably happened to nearly all of your friends at some point. Sadly, our culture is still stuck in a place where some people think that they have permission to say whatever they want. Too many aspects of our culture transmit the message that women’s bodies are public property.  

You might find yourself totally silenced in the presence of those attitudes, not because someone is telling you not to speak but because it can actually feel impossible to open your mouth to say anything. I have been there.  Most of us have.  It happens to outspoken people and introverts alike.

I notice that sometimes I am so shocked by what someone says, that I need a minute to even take it in, and I miss the moment to respond. Or I don’t respond because I feel like there is no point. This person who has just violated me with his words is not someone with whom I want to get into a back and forth about how to talk with women; the likelihood of him listening to me is so low that it’s not worth it to even try.  Or, I am literally unable to respond; I just can’t open my mouth. 

No matter why I don’t respond, I don’t feel good about staying silent. If you are anything like me, you might also feel like you let this situation make you smaller or that you are basically corroborating with the patriarchy by staying quiet in the presence of sexism. 

This is something we discuss often in the women’s collective - how we as women internalize patriarchy.  

Undoing  this will take generations

and yet you can take small but significant steps which make a huge impact

leading us all  to feel more empowered, and to see the possibility of personal and global shifts. 

Here is a taste of how we have addressed this issue in the women’s collective. 

Compassionate recognition of the situation allows you to see your behavior without judgement. 

Usually, we stay quiet because we want (and need) to take care of our own energy, whether it is because we don’t feel safe or we just don’t even want to bother. In so doing, we are not reinforcing the patriarchy, we are taking care of ourselves. 

A simple act of self care is dismantling the cultural structures that cultivate sexism in the first place.

When you take care of your energy,  you are nourishing yourself and nourishing all of life. This can be a sufficient response to sexism. Too often, we think we need to go head to head with something to shift it, when really, there is great power in quiet persistence, like the water when she carves a canyon through stone. 

If you want to try to respond next time - sadly, there will probably be a next time - you might try to record yourself saying to him what you wish you had said when it happened. In this way you cultivate the language that can elude you when you are feeling a bit paralyzed. 

But, do not feel like you have to respond to these situations directly - it is a very powerful response to simply take care of yourself, to take an extra moment to put on a delicious face cream or eat a food you love.  In the collective we give ourselves permission to care for ourselves and recognize that  doing so directly contradicts a culture that teaches us that women’s bodies are public property. 

With honor and respect 

to the ones 

who taught you to love…yourself.