Feeling like you are giving generously and it’s not appreciated

Do you recognize this feeling, that you are giving with all of your heart to someone who seems to need your support, and they just don’t appreciate you! This happens in families, partnerships, friendships, work contexts…and often it can feel like you are not seen or recognized. 

This happens to SO MANY PEOPLE. Relationships breathe, and there are moments when one is giving more because the other needs to receive. Dynamism in relationships is healthy, and when you are sometimes giving more and also sometimes receiving more, this movement feels balanced. 

But when you are always giving, and especially when you feel depleted and unseen in a particular relationship, then it can be useful to look at why. There are many reasons these dynamics occur, and sometimes it is simply because you really are unappreciated and unseen by the other. 

Sometimes, however, we over give because we feel like we have to, in order to be worthy of the relationship at all.  This can be really demoralizing and lead you to feel lonely, even in the most intimate relations. 

How can you give and receive in  balanced reciprocity? 

A young woman in the mentoring program explained that she felt really unseen at work, that her colleagues had the attitude that she could fix any situation (which she mostly could) and she felt taken for granted. 

Her first instinct was to blame her colleagues’ incompetence.  They really do need her to sort out many things. Yet as we talked, she recognized how much it feeds her to feel needed. This is connected to various experiences in her childhood and beyond, which imprinted in her a sense that she is only valuable when she is useful.  Ouch. 

Many of us carry this patterning, for a wide variety of reasons. It is important also to recognize that this idea is culturally ingrained in us. 

From a young age, we are taught to believe that our worth is measured by how much we produce or accomplish. 

Yet you are so much more than what you can do or give. Cultivating healthy relationships with others means cultivating a healthy relationship with yourself. If you notice that you are over giving, ask yourself why, before pointing a finger at someone else. 

This can easily bring up self judgement for a wide variety of reasons - be compassionate.  We all carry wounds which impact the way we see ourselves. If you sense that you are over giving because you need to feel useful, first give yourself a big, reassuring hug.  Most of us over give in some context or another and most of us need to feel needed or productive. You are not alone. 

Say no to something small, even if it feels ridiculous, just to try it on for size.  

Can you take out the trash? No. 

Please pass me a fork. No. 

The practice of setting a boundary, even in the most simple situations, can be really challenging, even might feel impossible. It can also be rewarding. 

Giving yourself permission to take up space, as you are, is revolutionary. And it’s not easy. 

I would love to hear how it goes for you.