Being sexual when you actually want to

One woman in our collective recently shared with me that she is feeling sexually shut down these days, not interested in her partner touching her, and that this is creating tension in their relationship.  

As we continued to talk, she and I both understood that she’s feeling tons of tension in her body for a variety of reasons and that she just doesn’t feel safe enough or relaxed enough to be intimate with her partner. She explained that these feelings have nothing to do with him, and that she just needs her space for a minute.

These are really intense times, and wanting sexual contact requires a measure of safety and calm.  

And sometimes, even when you do feel safe, it’s just not the right moment. 

In fact, there is a season for everything. I asked her: 

Are you actually feeling sexy right now? 

Notice what else is going on in your life. Are you actually even available to share intimacy with someone else?

Where is the expectation to be sexual coming from and is it an accurate expression of your inner voice? 

Those questions, and the last one in particular, are too big to address in a short email, but we can focus on one really important element…the nature of cycles.  

Sometimes, you might feel really open to sexual contact, wanting very much to touch and be touched, and in other moments you might feel that you aren’t into sharing your body with anyone else — even a long time, monogamous partner. 

This is totally normal.  Like the weather, your body moves through different seasons over the course of the month, over the course of your life, even over the course of the day. 

Have you noticed that there are moments in the day when you feel more awake, and others where you feel sleepy or low energy? 

You, like all humans, are naturally attuned to the natural calendar, the cycles that govern the movement of all of life. 

Our culture has shifted our awareness, in its effort to push us to always be ON — whether this means to produce and create all the time, to feel consistently sexy and sexual, to be in action without also giving space for rest. 

Noticing the natural movement of cycles realigns you with the natural rhythm of life. 

Noticing the natural calendars gives space for the various feelings moving through you and legitimizes the natural shifts in energy you experience over the course of your day, month, year, lifetime.